Grace Liu – Approaching Autistic Adulthood: The Road Less Travelled.

Book review by Katie Munday (they / them)

Approaching Autistic Adulthood book cover. The Title sits in the middle in large blue text. The Road Less Travelled is written underneath in purple. The cover is a mix of purple, yellow, green and blue hues. There is a faint white capital A which takes up most of the cover, the A has road marks on it

Approaching Autistic Adulthood: The Road Less Travelled is a personal development book written by Grace Liu. Grace writes about the musings, memories and mishaps of a bi-racial, Autistic, lesbian writer regularly on her blog Unwritten Grace.

The book shares informal advice, observations and anecdotes on Autistic experience, talking from Grace’s own experience and from those of her Autistic friends. The book is split into well defined areas which flow well together; explaining autism, overload, friendship, romance, dating and sexuality, college and university, the working environment, being out and about and bullying and disrespectful behaviour. There is even a handy guide on metaphors used throughout the book. I especially enjoyed the section on college and university as it gave quick checklists for moving house, including skills you might need for living independently. Grace also wrote about the support which can be gained at UK universities as well as talking through her experience with her Graduation day, which was very sensory and socially overwhelming and gives advice to other Autistic people on their graduation day.

The chapters on friendships and relationships was also very interesting and gave good advice for creating and maintaining healthy relationships and boundaries. Grace writes on how consent and boundaries work both ways and how we must respect the boundaries of others as well as ourselves. She also makes the point of asking this question of ourselves: “Do I have the mental capacity for being surrounded by people right now?” for us to try to avoid shutdown (what Grace calls power saving mode). Checking in with ourselves is an important way that we can create our own boundaries.

Although I enjoyed Approaching Autistic Adulthood, it is very difficult to understand who the intended audience was. It is both advice, a collection of stories and anecdotes, educational and self-help. A clearer sense of the genre would make this book at lot more accessible.

Overall, Approaching Autistic Adulthood was a fun read which seemed to find its pace and story a little later in the book.  It was lovely to read others experiences, lots of the information and story sharing was very validating for me. Grace writes in a very straight forward way with lots of humour, her work is very nice to read and is quite accessible.

Having read some of her other work, I would love for Grace to write a book about being an Autistic, bi-racial, lesbian within the Christian faith and community – it would be very interesting to read something at length on this.

I look forward to seeing what Grace writes next.

[This book uses both person-first and identity-first language, as well as Asperger’s. Grace explains: “I mainly use identity first language and I only say Asperger’s when talking about my diagnosis or some other context where that word was specifically used”]

Autistic theories of Autistic experience

Find here explainer videos about the two Autistic-derived theories of Autistic experience: Double empathy problem (Damian Milton), and Monotropism theory (Dinah Murray):

Double-empathy explainer video by Kieran Rose (The Autistic Advocate):

Monotropism explainer video by Kieran Rose (The Autistic Advocate):

Reviewed by young people, double empathy explained:

Screenshot of the webpage from Frontiers for Young Minds: “Double Empathy: Why Autistic People Are Often Misunderstood”

Aucademy discussion on the double empathy problem from theory (Damian Milton), to evidence it occurs, to evidence of why it occurs (Rachel Cullen):

De-centering the ‘male’ Autistic experience

By Katie Munday (they / them)

Historically, being Autistic was considered a male childhood experience, with boys more readily diagnosed than girls. This trend is still prevalent in many areas of autism research but thankfully the gap between male and female diagnosis and realisation is slowly closing. As is the access to diagnosis and realisation for transgender, non-binary and gender divergent individuals.

There have been many reasons why many girls and women have been overlooked for diagnosis including (but not limited to); systemic misogyny and transphobia, autism research which favours ‘male’ traits and cultural gender stereotypes.

Systemic misogyny and transphobia

Misogyny across medical systems, which upholds ideas of female ‘hysteria’ and over-emotionality, means women are more likely to be disbelieved or wrongly diagnosed with personality differences and mental health issues. These diagnosis can then cause access issues to Autistic identification.

Professionals are not seeing the very real connection between what would be considered ‘disorders’ (what I prefer to call embodied self-preservation) and Autistic experience, which often includes consistent trauma. So, even when females are diagnosed with personality differences they are often overlooked for also being Autistic.

Access to diagnosis is also difficult for transgender and gender divergent individuals who wish to transition medically. Often these people are left to choose between being supported with their Autistic diagnosis or gender affirmation, but very rarely are they given the opportunity for help with both. Unfortunately, Autistic people are still seen as children who do not understand gender and therefore are not ‘really’ transgender. This infantilsation denies Autistic people gender affirming healthcare and many forgo an autism diagnosis so they can get help with the more immediate need of living their authentic gender.

Many people turn up to gender identity health clinics because they are confused by their gender and need help untangling it all, some of us live in gender flux and fluidity and this confusion should never mean punishment. All gender experiences are relevant, and all people should have access to gender affirming and diagnostic healthcare, this means creating more support for people of colour, queer people, physically Disabled people and all other marginalised groups.

Autism research which favours ‘male’ traits

Across 70 years of autism research the most researched group of people have been young white males. This means that all criteria for diagnosis, and the supposed ‘support’ which comes with it, is based on ‘male’ behaviours. Anyone who does not present these traits are not considered Autistic and may be misdiagnosed with another form of neurological difference.

The very few Autistic people who fit the stereotype of Rain Main and Sheldon Cooper have the privilege of far fewer barriers to diagnosis. However, girls and women, transgender and non-binary folk and males who do not show these traits are often overlooked as we do not live up to the standard of male stereotyped Autistic traits.

This is further complicated for those of us who are people of colour, physically Disabled, Queer and trans because our social ‘difficulties’ are often understood as a common ‘impairment’ of our other marginalised identities. This is a glowing indictment of the racism, ableism and queerphobia within medical systems but also within places of education, work and anywhere else we are seen as being ‘problematic’ or ‘too much.’

These male stereotypes are based around white western ideals of behaviours; giving eye contact, staying still, keeping quiet, but ideas of ‘appropriate’ behaviour vary across different cultures. There are many indigenous cultures, for example, which deem eye contact as incredibly rude, but this is not accounted for in white western medicine.

Autism research has focused on male stereotypes for so long that the idea of a ‘female autism phenotype’ has arisen. Not only does this create even more barriers for those of us outside the binary but it also continues to other female Autists, favouring males as the ‘real’ Autistics. (I could, and probably will, write a piece on the ‘female phenotype’ but I lack the spoons to write about that particularly misogynistic, racist and transphobic idea at the moment).

Cultural gender stereotypes

Criteria for diagnosis, which favours males and is steeped in misogyny, are based on the undeniable inequality that all of us who aren’t cisgender male face.

Girls and women are often overlooked as Autistic as they often (strangely!) fit western female stereotypes. Many of them are either quiet: “she’s so shy!” or very talkative: “they’re quite the chatter box!” These vast differences in communication, confidence and the need to talk are both seen as inherently female: potential non-speaking or hyper-verbal traits are often considered as just a ‘girl thing’ and therefore often overlooked.

In many Western cultures, girls are kept young, virtuous and innocent for as long as possible. This can run parallel with the interests of Autistic people who often stay loyal to their hobbies for longer than their neurotypical peers. This is often misunderstood and pathologised as developmental regression but it is just the lack of fear we have about enjoying what we enjoy loudly and proudly!

Heteronormativity also plays a big part in gender stereotypes; girls are to grow into women who have children with a man and keep the household. Girls are explicitly and implicitly told that they are to grow up to be the main caregiver of children, do all the housework and most times squeeze in a full or part time job. Due to this many women are exhausted beyond measure; this is considered a cultural norm and does not consider neurological differences.

As we know, burnout between neurotypical people and Autistic people are vastly different, add in the overwhelming responsibilities placed upon women and we are sure to suffer poor mental health. Unfortunately, these cultural norms feed into misogynistic medical systems, which suggest that mums simply need to ‘rest more’ or pop a few Xanax and carry on exactly as they are. There never seems to be any understanding that this burnout is due to being Autistic, as well as living in a garbage heteronormative world. Less still can it be seen for what it often is: an Autistic person raising other Autistic young people in a world that is simply not made to support or enrich us at all.

So how can we de-centre the ‘male’ Autistic experience?

Firstly, challenging oppression benefits us all and this is in no way a fight against men and boys who also deserve diagnosis, support and acceptance. I want to create a world in which we can all reach understanding and support earlier in our lives.

Unfortunately, systemic misogyny and transphobia, focusing on ‘male’ traits and cultural gender stereotypes are all reciprocally determinant, they reinforce each other and are a difficult cycle to break.

Difficult, but not impossible.

Change won’t come overnight. It comes from the writings of brilliant Autistic academics and those of us who continue to put pressure on politicians and policy makers, the advocates and activists who show up every damn day to fight our oppression.

No contributions from any of us who stand up to oppression is small – we are all part of a bigger movement to change systemic ableism, racism, transphobia and bigotry. We can change things through our anger, through our writing, for showing up for one another, through social media, protests, pride events, Autistic run conferences, supporting Autistic artists, activists and writers.

These acts can and will invoke change so that the Autistic kids of tomorrow have more of a chance at Autistic joy, pride and acceptance.